


how close am I to losing you,

by sweethaven



Series: magnus and alec, break up and make up [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e18 Awake Arise Or Be Forever Fallen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 18:28:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11674692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweethaven/pseuds/sweethaven
Summary: Alec after all the chaos settles, a little, and he's left alone.





	how close am I to losing you,

**Author's Note:**

> if this feels.. hectic.. its because i wrote it in Not A Lot Of Time, on a very specific emotional roller coaster after watching that episode. so. this is alec being sad. 
> 
> title from about today by the national, because I listened to it on repeat while writing this

It isn’t until later, that Alec, hyped up on nerves and numbed down at the same time, standing in front of the Institute doors, realizes: he’s going to have to sleep here. The doors are open, one palm holding it wide, and for a couple moments he just stares into the frosty dark outside. For the past weeks, Alec had barely so much as _entered_ his room in the Institute. He’s been darting between the command center, and the office, and, _God—_ Magnus’ loft, not even _imagining_ staying here. There wasn’t another option though. That cold feeling creeps up his chest again, just thinking about something as simple as that, the loss of an option.  
  
Alec closes the Institute doors, soft enough that they don’t make a sound. Not enough people are asleep for it to make a difference, anyway. Everyone’s on the same adrenaline spiked high, poring over security footage and performing feeble tracking attempts. He should be feeling it too. To be fair though, for the past two hours he’s been outlining plans with Jace, Clary, and Izzy, trying to find a way to approach Lake Lyn as a mortal instrument. Alec only left when Clary started talking about draining the lake.

The whole while, something had been freezing over inside of him. Jace kept sending him these looks, like, _I can feel you, what’s happening?_ Alec hadn’t told him, stood hunched over papers and satellite photos of the lake instead, avoiding everyone’s eye as best he could.

Now, walking through the halls of the Institute, he sort of wishes he’d said something. Just so, if anyone saw, it’d be understandable how he kept stopping and starting in the hallway. How he kept his eyes on the floor and hand trailing against the walls, to keep his bearings without looking. At some point he thought of passing by the infirmary hall to look in on Max, but then saw himself standing across from Magnus, hearing _“I love you too, but,”_ He took a wide arc away from anywhere near that hallway after that.

Everything feels slowed down, cold and somber. The dust in the air seems static, and the air itself pushes back when he steps forward. At one point, he just stops, and slumps against the wall at his back. It’s just pure good fortune (who knew he had any of that left?) that the first person to find him is Izzy.

“Alec?” She says, and he opens his eyes to find her frozen mid-pace, looking caught between chaos and concern. She was on a different kind of adrenaline: guilt mixed in with anxiety, anxiety mixed in with more guilt. The expression on her face when she takes him in melts some of the numbness in Alec’s chest. He doesn’t say anything, but he bets the unshed tears in his eyes reveals more than he would ever manage to with words.  
  
Izzy walks up to him, on soft strides. There’s a threadbare look to her, but Alec just closes his eyes. He feels her hand against his cheek, and the touch brings back the hollowness in his chest that he’d been ignoring so carefully. “Magnus?” She whispers, a question. It’s all Alec can do to nod. He blinks open his eyes, to push back the tears and to look at her. Izzy’s eyes are asking another question, the same that Jace’s had been asking earlier, _what happened?_  
  
“He—” A sob breaks as heavy as an ocean over rocks before he can even start his sentence. Izzy has him pulled into a hug on protective reflex, and then the tears spring forward, like a dam falling open. When Magnus left, Alec had to force back his tears, take deep breaths and look presentable. A chasm had formed in his chest, but he could ignore it, for the time being. During talking with his family, going over the mirror and Jonathan, Lake Lyn and sleep-deprived plans. Now, there wasn’t anything to hold it back with.  
  
Alec sobs until there’s nothing left, until Izzy’s comforting words become nonsense static to his ears. When he pulls out of the hug to wipe away his tear tracks, Izzy gives him the most saturated look of sympathy he thinks he’s ever experienced. It almost makes him feel sheepish.  
  
“Are you—” Izzy starts, and it looks like some realization washes over her, because she pauses and goes rigid for a half-second. “Why not have a sleepover in my room, like we used to?” She states, suddenly, “Me and you, popcorn and, I swear there’s ice cream hidden in the kitchen somewhere.” She finishes, and Alec feels a little whiplashed. The grin on Izzy’s face is a direct contrast to the quiet shock on her face seconds prior. Then, something shines out to Alec: ‘My room’, she had said. Izzy was offering him respite. A night away from the inevitability of being alone.  
  
Alec manages a smile, that feels more like a grimace to him, “Yeah, okay.” He says, and Izzy’s grin gets brighter.

\-----  
  
They do have a sleepover, watching endless mundane movies that Simon had left behind from way back when. Izzy tracked down the few sweets they have in the Institute, and they sit huddled under blankets in front of her laptop, staining the sheets with chocolate. Alec keeps reaching for his phone, to check for updates, but never seems to find it. Izzy feigns innocence, turning up the volume every time he asks.  
  
It’s good, actually. And halfway through the night, when he realizes this is all to force him to stop thinking, he decides it’s great.  
  
\-----  
  
  
When Alec wakes up, he finds where Izzy hid his phone under the covers.  It’s locked and cold, heavy in his hand. Overnight, Jace had been texting him updates on his and Clary’s planning, and Clary had sent sketches of the lake, with arrows pointing everywhere, hectic visualizations of their ideas. Several emails were in his notifications, and there was scattered messages about Max’s condition from his mom. As much as Alec tries to focus on these barest hints at progress, there’s only one thing on his mind as he reads through everything:

There isn’t a single text, call, or anything, from Magnus.  

**Author's Note:**

> [shrug emoji but it's crying. I'm crying.]  
> yes, i realize that malec haven't Really broken up, and that they're soulmates and [alec voice] always find their way to eachother, and so on and etc. but, i'm emotional, bear with me.  
> (also i feel like this fic was just me going: "what's the nearest alternative to writing an entire fic in italics?" turns out, this is.)


End file.
